After my change of heart, Ian called the agency to tell them we were interested in pursuing Lui. The agency informed us that they would check on her (during my months of wrestling she had been moved off our agency's list, onto the shared list, and then to another agency's private list) and obtain an update on her development. We could expect a report in about a week or so.
While we waited for Lui's report, I felt so loved by God as I pondered the past several months. Sometimes it's easy for me to feel like a "number" in a sea of people; however, God had shown me how personally involved He is in the details of our adoption journey. He answered my cries specifically, and I knew He wanted me to trust Him. It also felt good to finally be on the same page as my husband regarding Lui. We were excited at the thought of being her parents.
Then I received an email from the agency. I sat at my computer and sobbed as I read the words. Lui had recently been matched with another family and her file was no longer available. I couldn't believe the timing; I was so sure after everything that happened that she was ours. Calling my husband and informing him that the little girl he thought was his all along was being adopted by another family was not a fun thing to do. I felt guilty. Like I should have made up my mind earlier instead of living in fear of the unknowns.
The next couple days were hard and filled with mixed emotions. My sweet husband grieved. We were thankful Lui had a forever family and prayed for them to love her and show Jesus to her, but it was confusing and sad as well.
To be honest, part of me felt relief. I decided to obey, but then God said "no." It kinda reminded me of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, and even thought this made absolutely no sense to Abraham, he possessed a faith that obeyed--no matter the cost. Abraham began the process, God saw his willingness to obey, and then provided another sacrifice.
For the first time in my life, God was asking me to obey Him and follow where He was leading even when I didn't want to (I wanted a younger child with a "fixable" special need). With most other big decisions I have made in my life, I pray about the decision but mostly just do what I think is best and ask God to join me.
God did a work in my heart through Lui. He showed me how personal His love is for me. He proved His faithfulness in guiding my steps when I sought His face. He revealed ugliness in my heart that needed cleansing.
For whatever reason, God used Lui to begin our adoption journey at this point in time. The rest of the story is yet to be written, and we have entered a season of waiting. Oh how we long for this season to be purposeful--both for our good (growth and maturity in faith) and for the glory of God.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 27:13-4
9 comments on "Following {TRUSTING}"
Julie - we have been praying for you and your sweet family for several months now! Thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing how God is working in your lives through the adoption process. We will continue to pray that God's perfect will be done.
your words about this are beautiful, julie. i am so glad that you wrote out the story, mostly so that you will have it. what a great testimony in FOLLOWING the One you know is worthy to be followed. i can't wait to see with you how this story "ends"!
Oh, I am sorry that you thought you were "there". I hope your child is in your arms soon. x
Wow! Julie, God's divine hand has been in your process. I saw His hand in ours as he led us to be open to special needs. He had Joshua picked just for us.
Take peace and joy knowing that He will continue to lead and protect you from making any wrong decisions. If Lui had been meant for your family, she would be. Who knows, she might still be...?
i'm going to give you a hug tonight :o)
I love your insights. They are always so uplifting. While I cannot specifically relate to an adoption journey, I can relate how God seems to be working in us to overcome some fear or obstacle that we are facing and then (to me at least) slams the door. As if to say "pay attention and trust ME already." So hard. But then even better things than I could have ever imagine happen instead and then I realize what a teachable/refiner's fire I was going through and I just pray I "pay attention" better next time. Praying for you as you journey on. Great things are going to happen!
We were hoping to be matched with a boy from Bulgaria almost two years ago. He had been in an orphanage all his life and was if I remember right, 6 or 7 yrs old then. There was no action for this little guy in all that time so we felt pretty confident we could be matched with him. It was a sad day for us to learn that he had just been recently matched with a family. We were happy for him that he had a family at last, but sad that it was not our family. Not understanding all the whys, just trusting in Who. He will guide you step by step in this journey of adoption.
it's so cool to see accounts from the Bible also being reflected in YOUR life, a modern day woman...like the vision and wrestling with God in the night (like Jacob did), and the correlation between Abraham/Isaac potential sacrifice.
Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
oh how i love him.
and how he loves us.
and how he loves the child he's hand chosen for your family. it's so beautiful in a way that other people can relate to--not just people who are adopting. love u.
I just had the thought that someday, after hearing this part of your story, it will be pretty powerful for the child that you end up with, that God saved you guys for her (or him) and saved her for you guys. Every step you are taking now and each challenge you face and trust Him through is already part of this child's story, even though the child isn't in your physical lives yet. That is pretty amazing to think about. He is already weaving your stories together. Wow, how cool is that?!
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