Following {HER}

Last summer, I started researching adoption primarily so I could see what was involved in the process and we could start saving. Because of my research, I also started receiving a few lists of Waiting Children. I would call Ian over to my computer periodically so he could look at the precious little babies  who desperately needed parents. He never gave much of a response . . . until we saw her; I will call her "Lui". (I don't know if I can post her picture on my blog, but click here to visit another site advocating for her. She is the first little girl in the post.) Ian's heart changed instantly. He was ready to pursue this little girl and wanted to be her daddy. Adoption was something we knew we would do at some point, just not now.

I requested her file the next day. The agency director told us we were the only family who was "positive" about her and shared what he knew. The information was vague with several unknowns, but we kept feeling prompted to continue pursuing her . . . even though I was scared by her needs.

Deep down, I wasn't ready to trust God to select our adopted child. In my warped thinking, I thought if I gave God total control we might end up with a child with cognitive delays, physical disablities, and behavior/attachment issues. Sadly, my question was, "Lord, how can I trust you with all of my life when I am not sure you will do what's good for me?"

Ian never wavered in his desire to adopt Lui. He didn't see her unknown medical concerns: he saw a child created in the image of God, for His glory. He was patient with me as I wrestled with God about what we believed He was asking us to do. Because I was so unsure, we decided to take the agency's advice of "watching her grow" for a few months while we worked on our paperwork and raised funds.

Meanwhile, I stared at her picture and watched her video clip nearly every day. Never before in my life had I felt so connected and in love with a child I had never met. I often pictured myself being her mother. I prayed fervently that she would find a family (maybe us, maybe somebody else) and that our direction would be crystal clear. I found that when I was focused on truth, I was willing to say "yes" to her . .  only to find deep, dark, debilitating fear and doubt creep in moments later. It was an awful place to be.

And I sat in that awful place for months "spinning around like a top," as my husband later defined my behaviors. Something needed to change . . . I began pleading with God, throwing my questions and worries up at Him, and asking Him to clearly guide my family.

And guess what? He did.

Stay tuned for the rest of the story . . . (click here)