Following {TRUSTING}

Here are the first two parts of this story: Part 1   Part 2

After my change of heart, Ian called the agency to tell them we were interested in pursuing Lui. The agency informed us that they would check on her (during my months of wrestling she had been moved off our agency's list, onto the shared list, and then to another agency's private list) and obtain an update on her development. We could expect a report in about a week or so.

While we waited for Lui's report, I felt so loved by God as I pondered the past several months. Sometimes it's easy for me to feel like a "number" in a sea of people; however, God had shown me how personally involved He is in the details of our adoption journey. He answered my cries specifically, and I knew He wanted me to trust Him. It also felt good to finally be on the same page as my husband regarding Lui. We were excited at the thought of being her parents.

Then I received an email from the agency. I sat at my computer and sobbed as I read the words. Lui had recently been matched with another family and her file was no longer available. I couldn't believe the timing; I was so sure after everything that happened that she was ours. Calling my husband and informing him that the little girl he thought was his all along was being adopted by another family was not a fun thing to do. I felt guilty. Like I should have made up my mind earlier instead of living in fear of the unknowns.

The next couple days were hard and filled with mixed emotions. My sweet husband grieved. We were thankful Lui had a forever family and prayed for them to love her and show Jesus to her, but it was confusing and sad as well.

To be honest, part of me felt relief. I decided to obey, but then God said "no." It kinda reminded me of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, and even thought this made absolutely no sense to Abraham, he possessed a faith that obeyed--no matter the cost. Abraham began the process, God saw his willingness to obey, and then provided another sacrifice.

For the first time in my life, God was asking me to obey Him and follow where He was leading even when I didn't want to (I wanted a younger child with a "fixable" special need). With most other big decisions I have made in my life, I pray about the decision but mostly just do what I think is best and ask God to join me.

God did a work in my heart through Lui. He showed me how personal His love is for me. He proved His faithfulness in guiding my steps when I sought His face. He revealed ugliness in my heart that needed cleansing.

For whatever reason, God used Lui to begin our adoption journey at this point in time. The rest of the story is yet to be written, and we have entered a season of waiting. Oh how we long for this season to be purposeful--both for our good (growth and maturity in faith) and for the glory of God.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Psalm 27:13-4

Fishmouth

I think I need a "fun" post in the middle of the adoption story thus far (sorry--you will have to wait another day or two to hear the rest).

A few nights ago I heard Calla crying from her crib around 9:30pm or so. She never cries during the night unless something is wrong, so I immediately rushed up to check on her. Poor girl had dropped her favorite blanket over the side of the crib and wanted it back. I got her blanket but noticed she was super snuggly. If you know Calla, you know that this is a bit rare. I wasn't ready to put her back to bed, so I took her downstairs to snuggle . . . it didn't last long.

Enter Daddy. And lots of giggles.



How we love this joyful little girl! She still has bits of her "sheep laugh", huh?

Following {PURSUIT}

Click here to read the first part of the story.

January 8, 2012 (from my personal journal)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how God leads us. Would I be willing to change the direction of my life if He asked? In Acts 16, Paul was told by the Holy Spirit not to go to Asia. Later, he had a vision of a man from Macedonia begging for help, and he went there instead. That seems so easy to me. But, I guess we don't know how the Holy Spirit spoke--if it was audible or through circumstances/impressions. Perhaps Paul was so in tune with God that he just knew. The truth, however, is that the Holy Spirit led Paul away from the wrong place and led him to the right one.

Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice saying, 'This is the way, walk in it'." 

Isaiah 48:17-18 "This is what the LORD says--your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your well-being like the waves of the sea.'" 

God directs us in the way we should go and when we obey we have peace and righteousness.

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I thought a lot about these thoughts, talked to a dear friend about them, and prayed for God's clear direction regarding Lui. I even thought, "A vision sure would be nice, Lord."

And guess what happened? That very night I had a wrestling match with God. I hardly slept. Every time I fell asleep, I saw Lui's face and heard, "This is the way, walk in it." I'd wake up frantic and pray, "Lord! Please bring another family to adopt her. Not us, God. Close the door." Repeat that scenario a bunch of times. It was a crazy night and I didn't know what to make of it.

Two nights later, I had another dream. (Side-note: Since becoming a mother, I do not dream. I close my eyes and sleep until morning--unless a baby wakes up, of course.) This time we were in China. It was so real, I could smell China (it has a distinct smell, if you have been there). We were in an orphanage. A nanny handed Lui to us and she cried and kicked a little, but it was the most amazing moment of my life. Her special needs were there, but she was a sweetheart. She was quiet, sad, and grieving her foster family so she slept with us that first night. I told Ian as I nuzzled against her dark hair, "I'm so glad I didn't miss this." Having her in our family was good.

I have never been one to put any weight whatsoever on dreams. But the timing of these? How they correlated with what I was studying and praying for? I could not deny their significance. I just couldn't.

My heart was changed and after months of wrestling, I was ready to pursue Lui. I knew that God would keep us away if she was not the one, but at that point, everything pointed at her (even a discussion with our pediatrician).

Click here for the conclusion.

Following {HER}

Last summer, I started researching adoption primarily so I could see what was involved in the process and we could start saving. Because of my research, I also started receiving a few lists of Waiting Children. I would call Ian over to my computer periodically so he could look at the precious little babies  who desperately needed parents. He never gave much of a response . . . until we saw her; I will call her "Lui". (I don't know if I can post her picture on my blog, but click here to visit another site advocating for her. She is the first little girl in the post.) Ian's heart changed instantly. He was ready to pursue this little girl and wanted to be her daddy. Adoption was something we knew we would do at some point, just not now.

I requested her file the next day. The agency director told us we were the only family who was "positive" about her and shared what he knew. The information was vague with several unknowns, but we kept feeling prompted to continue pursuing her . . . even though I was scared by her needs.

Deep down, I wasn't ready to trust God to select our adopted child. In my warped thinking, I thought if I gave God total control we might end up with a child with cognitive delays, physical disablities, and behavior/attachment issues. Sadly, my question was, "Lord, how can I trust you with all of my life when I am not sure you will do what's good for me?"

Ian never wavered in his desire to adopt Lui. He didn't see her unknown medical concerns: he saw a child created in the image of God, for His glory. He was patient with me as I wrestled with God about what we believed He was asking us to do. Because I was so unsure, we decided to take the agency's advice of "watching her grow" for a few months while we worked on our paperwork and raised funds.

Meanwhile, I stared at her picture and watched her video clip nearly every day. Never before in my life had I felt so connected and in love with a child I had never met. I often pictured myself being her mother. I prayed fervently that she would find a family (maybe us, maybe somebody else) and that our direction would be crystal clear. I found that when I was focused on truth, I was willing to say "yes" to her . .  only to find deep, dark, debilitating fear and doubt creep in moments later. It was an awful place to be.

And I sat in that awful place for months "spinning around like a top," as my husband later defined my behaviors. Something needed to change . . . I began pleading with God, throwing my questions and worries up at Him, and asking Him to clearly guide my family.

And guess what? He did.

Stay tuned for the rest of the story . . . (click here)

Following {2012}

"Our desire to live should be for the sake and glory of the God who put us on this earth in the first place."-- Francis Chan

 At the beginning of January,  I asked Ian to think of a word that would describe the focus of our family for 2012. He thought for a bit and said, "Following." It fit perfectly with what I had written in my journal that very day.

But I won't lie. I enjoy comfort. I enjoy an "easy" life, and, well, following God is hard. In Genesis, God called Abraham to leave Ur, which was an affluent and advanced city. I would assume it would be hard to leave such a place, but Abraham didn't ask for a detailed explanation; he simply followed. As Christ's disciple, I shouldn't have to have everything explained to me before I believe God and respond. Yes, I see an unknown future ahead as we pursue adoption, but we desire to exercise trust and move. We are alive on this planet because God has something for us to do . . . and we want to follow.


What does God want us to do as a family this year? For us, we believe 2012 will be the year we adopt an orphan into our family. Following right now means pursuing the least of these, knowing that this road is going to be so hard but that it is during times like these that God "grows us up".

Following means obeying God's call for our family and taking the next step even when it is not spelled out. Who is our child? What needs will he/she have? When will this happen? How will we do this financially? Following means giving up my desires and control and placing my full trust in the character of God.

After we chose our word for 2012, some big things happened in my heart regarding adoption as I sought to follow God instead of my own desires. The blog has been quiet as I have been processing, but I am finally ready to share our adoption journey thus far. Stay tuned.

Hearts

We have been cooped up in the house all week (minus a trip to the doctor yesterday).


Poor Calla has pneumonia. Her little lungs are getting stronger, but she just couldn't fight this cold/cough/fever thing she had going on and has been so sad the past week. (That's a nice way to say she has been whining, crying, throwing fits, not eating, and needing to be held all day.) Her spirits are slowly returning, and I have missed my happy baby.

So what do we do when we can't leave the house?

PAINT! This boy loves his paints. He can paint and paint and paint.


Ori has been working hard to paint Valentines for his list of precious friends. (It's unfortunate that his mother was not blessed with pretty handwriting.)  ;)


Calla loves her paints for about 5 minutes.


And sometimes her paper touches her brother's and that is not okay with him (he hasn't noticed yet when this picture was taken).

We have also had the TV on more during this sickly week.

I had fun stringing these hearts (cut out of one of Ori's paintings) to make a garland for the windows while the kids watched Curious George. The heart garland makes me happy every time I step into my kitchen.

I also baked several cakes this week. We've got to get this baby home . . . thank you to those of you who are supporting my little cake business and helping us pay for the adoption.

Speaking of our new baby, I am anxiously awaiting a FedEx delivery today . . . our dossier papers are coming back from Topeka with all the necessary authentications. That means we can mail our dossier to our agency on MONDAY!!!  I can hardly wait and will keep you posted. We are getting closer to seeing our little one's face. :)

Thirty

My husband turned THIRTY yesterday. I had a party for him on Saturday, and he felt loved and supported by all our sweet friends.


Ian,
I can honestly say I am so very proud of you. Thank you for your commitment to be honest with me and to share all of who you are--even the parts that are hard. God is doing an amazing, healing work in your heart and your commitment to God and to our family blesses me every day.

I am excited for our thirties. I am excited because we are not the same people we were in our twenties. We made mistakes, learned, grew . . . and I feel loved by God in the fact that He did not allow us to stay the same. As painful as it is to weed sin out of our lives, the blessings on the other side are worth all of it.

I am excited for our thirties because it means we are old enough to pursue adoption through China, a journey that has already led to greater depth in our relationship with each other and with the Lord. I cannot wait to meet and commit to love daily the little person God has picked out for our family. You are an intentional daddy with Ori and Calla, and it makes me smile so big to envision you wrestling with, teaching, and loving our new baby too. I cannot wait to see you become a father to a child who desperately needs one. I would not want to walk this amazing, yet difficult road with any other person.

I am excited for our thirties because I know it will be a decade where our marriage will grow as we pursue what God has for our family and become more like Him . . . hopefully a little less selfish and more focused on eternity.

You make me feel so loved and special. Happy 30th!!
Julie